Turning Point

This is going to be probably the most honest thing I have ever written in my life. I am going to try to write it with enough brevity that people will actually read it but with enough detail to try to bring some of you on my level. 

I like to call posts like this...word vomit...no proofing...no thinking just typing as it comes. I titled this turning point. I am going to be honest. I thought I had a grip on life, I thought I was praying properly, I thought I was spiritual, I thought I was doing all the right things...turns out as a friend of my senior (65) shared with me. You will never be closer to God or Heaven until someone you loved like this is there. I believe it...my life changed. Like I said...I was doing what I thought were all the right things...reading my devotions  in the morning saying my nightly prayers and doing the best I could. 
Turns out in the blink of the eye I realized...that wasn't enough. I was doing a C+ job...."wait what? You do a devotion in the morning? You pray at night...thats a C+ job?" ...
YES it is a C+ at BEST! ...again I call this turning point....this was the start of it but I will tell you it wasn't until I actually spoke my last words with mom...that I knew...this is not enough. Even in this post things are changing but .... I wasn't fully arrived yet...thought I was. Looking back...I was all wrong.

December 16, 2013

8:00 [ I text my mother "how are you?"] I was re packing from Stone Mtn.(previous post) to come home until the end.

Mom's response [ I am up...moving slow. Called doctor...waiting on response. Dad is at work Chris is on way.]

We spoke for a few minutes about my plans to do laundry re pack the kids, load up all their Christmas presents, deal with loose ends here...take JB to school Tuesday am pick him up early and head out the following day.

Later that day...I am on the phone with my friend, Stacey Picardy. My brother beeps in 2-3 times...I told her I had to go something must be wrong. 

Conversation went something like this...."We are at the doctor with mom. There are no more options...there is no more chemo that can help her and her liver is shutting down. She doesn't know yet Steph but she probably won't live til Christmas." Some more words were exchanged...I took a dagger to the heart and kind of in disbelief I said a bunch of okay okay... He said "are you okay?" In tears ...i said "yeah yeah I'm good let me pack quickly." I wasn't okay...I feel to my knees in my living room crying out "NOOOOOOOO" Drew was at work ...Beckett was asleep and yet again JB see's me in tears..."Mommy are you okay? are you upset about Nana again?" .... "Yes honey take these books and go to your room for quiet time for a minute mommy needs a minute." 

How do you deal with this with a 4 year old and your husband at work...well let me tell you...4 years olds aren't dumb. They are pretty intuitive. Needless to say JB didn't leave me alone and it's probably best he did not. He laid with me in my dark closet while i cried and just laid there...he didn't say a word. He knew mommy was upset and for some reason a 4 year old with no clue what was really happening actually comforted me. 

LATER THAT DAY....

3:00 p.m

Hospice had already been called. 

I called my mom our exact words exchanged.

"Hey mom...how are you? How is everything?"

"Well, honey I am just trying to process all of this. Nurses are arriving here at the house. Can I call you back once I get all settled in here at the house. Please don't come tonight. You are upset. Pack and come tomorrow. I am fine."

December 17, 2013

Loaded up the car and headed to Rome, Ga. My car was loaded down I was ready to stay for months with the kids if needed. I had already been there on and off for 4 weeks. I remember calling my friend Tara, what a rock she has been for me in all of this. She answered ... I acted chipper. Somehow I fought through the words and said to her after many words shared "mom probably won't live til Christmas." long silent pause

She was in tears...I remember actually telling her firmly stop crying, don't have a wreck! You have a baby to pick up from school...stop crying and listen to me. She did...

we talked almost my whole ride home. Maybe she can remember what all we shared but to me it was a blur and honestly I am just thanking God that he got my boys and I from point A to point B safely as I wiped tears the whole way...two hands on the wheels trying to focus on getting there safely. 

The next days are so many memories so much to share. I can't even explain what all went down. I could write a book...maybe one day I will. I just know when I pulled in...my brother met me at the car. He made all other visitors go to the basement. He took my children and wanted me to be alone the first time I saw her like this. I was thinking what do you mean see her like this? I just left  36 hours ago....what is wrong? She was bad but I mean she was coherent?

Well....this time she wasn't. I am glad he was watching out for me. I walked in the door...peeked on to the couch and stepped back. I moved into the kitchen and stood there. I pulled my tears back...I stiffened my upper lip and I took myself out of the situation. This was about mom not me...I had to be strong. 

I walked straight up...took her hand and laid my head on her heart. She mumbled to me..." I am glad you are here" That was about as much as I got that day. 

People went over all her meds with me [there were about 15] ... nurses showing me what to do if and when this happens and here is how to keep your mom comfortable...and here is oxygen and here are meds when she is dying and this and that. "do you understand?" 

"ugh, yes....I understand. I can read the numbers...I can tell time. My only issue is how do I do this with my mom? How am I supposed to do this? me? yes...I can physically do it but can I really?" I thought to myself

The answer is yes...I could. Again this wasn't about me. I set myself aside...I cried very little to mom. I didn't want to scare her. After speaking with my husband Drew[best nurse ever] about the meds she was on I felt that she was on too much she was unable to even move and I had just seen her and she was decent. I called hospice and got it approved to alter her meds so we could have some final conversations with her. .....

To be continued