So...I was calling it quits for tonight. 10:30...too late for Nashville. Will watch tomorrow when Drew is doing a guy thing with some buddies. Tonight... I am feeling the need to type. You may not be able to tell...my grammar is rough and my sentences are wild..BUT I am an English Major with a creative writing minor. My favorite thing about blogging is I can chunk all that crap out of the window and just chill with some good music and let my mind loose. I was going to stop writing for the night....but I remembered this...how good is this? TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE!!
My mom had many friends...and I can speak with conviction not one enemy. I was so lucky to call many of her friends my friends too as mom and I were attached at the hip. I could spout of some names of her friends who have reached out to me and the list would bore you...you outstanding women...you know who you are...bringing us food & checking on us...going above and beyond. Thank you! There is one woman in particular that I have to share our words!!
My mom's best friend, Lynn Maddox ...she calls me to check on me often. She lost her husband a few years ago and knows what grief feels like. She is an amazing example of a woman of faith and I take her words to heart. She has been giving me words of wisdom for years BUT in our most recent conversation I knew these words I needed to jot down. They would be some of the most profound things I have heard and reflected on since December 25th.
She was speaking so much of my heart I loved hearing it in words I couldn't write it down fast enough. I was crying and grabbed a purple marker and notepad with one sheet of paper left ...how real is this?
She first mentioned there is nothing like the shadow of death to show you who you really are. Are you on board or not? Do you have faith or not? Do you resent God or do you trust God? She then stated from her experience with loss that you will never be closer to God than when a loved one in lost. Well that is true...for me. Not everyone...experiences like this can define you...Good or bad...us left behind decide how we will let this work in our lives and in those around us.
She said to me "You will know your ministry. Let him be with you. Let him!" That was two months ago. I did and I have...amazing how things start to work themselves out. I am heartbroken. I miss mom all day. I cry once a day...but as Lynn said " I hear Jesus' voice in all you are saying. I hear you understand."
Honestly...hearing that from someone was the best thing I have heard in my life. A major example of a Godly woman in my life, a 65 year old lady who has a lot of years of experience on me tells me she hears Jesus in my voice? Boy do I have a lot of work to do to uphold that...I fall short all day every day.
She said you are right where you are supposed to be. YOU THINK YOUR MOM WAS PROUD OF YOU BEFORE?? LOOK AT YOU NOW!!!!
I hope that is true. I hope each day is first and foremost a tribute to God and that my mom is proud that I was able to turn a "plagued by a problem and view it as a rich opportunity." An opportunity to "know my ministry and listen to him" as Lynn shared.
She instructed me her words of wisdom. She prayed in her loss " Lord...here I am. What am I supposed to do?" He told her...."JUST STAY HERE AND LOVE ME"
She told me she did just that..at the cost of friends and more.
I believe her...I told Drew that night....here I am...I am on this path. We are in it together...yes?
THE DEEPER THE SORROW THE BRIGHTER THE SUN!!
This...is just one of 1,000 conversations with amazing people that have impacted me. I hope they help you in your walk. I hope that you just look at the pictures below and see the rawness of this convo. My kids running around the house...Drew at a hair cut and she calls...I could have ignored it but then I wouldn't have all this to share. For 45 minutes my world became so quiet and still as we prayed together over the phone she spoke to me...I stared at the clouds wondering if mom was smiling and I scribbled this down.
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