Hopefully this interests you - Cancer fighting dinner & kid friendly!

Hello friends!

I am doing a quick blog about our dinner tonight to share with some of you who may have a passion for healthy eating too! I did some reading during kids nap time today which sparked me to share our dinner with you! 

I have read the book Life over Cancer about two years ago with my mom and since spent many hours reading online, books, news articles, etc. I really enjoy educating myself about many things and one of my favorites is diet. I love to cook and to know what I am eating…I am the ultimate label reader! Anywhoooo….this was dinner at our house tonight! 

Adults: Salmon & Kale patties with brussels

Kids: Salmon & Kale patties with raspberries 

I usually make salmon patties and we all love them but thanks to Pinterest I got the idea of adding Kale to them for added health benefits. I then got creative and added my own "cancer fighting" spin to them…packing them full of things that combat cancer…because why not?

Recipe:

2- 6 oz cans of WILD alaskan salmon

1 cup of finely chopped organic kale

1/4 cup finely chopped onion

2 cloves of garlic chopped

2 organic eggs

1/2 cup filtered water

2 Tablespoons of flour

2 Tablespoons of organic flaxseeds

2 Tablespoons of stoneground mustard

Pinch of salt, pepper, chili powder for flavor

Salmon we use purchased from Costco in bulk

Mix all ingredients together and spoon into a hot skillet with olive oil cook until brown on each side and cooked through. 

Flaxseed tip - can be ground in a coffee grinder
 for finer texture

Kale we use- also purchased from Costco in bulk

This was very easy and BONUS they are kid approved. It is very important to purchase WILD canned salmon and not farmed! Also, be careful even with the mustard you purchase. Read the back…are there preservatives and food coloring added? If so…find another one!! 

Little John Brady eating what I called "chicken & avocado" burger…haha white lie? He liked it!! 

We served our Salmon & Kale patties with sautéed brussels seasoned solely with salt, pepper and chopped garlic. 

Why this meal is good for you?

Wild Salmon & flaxseeds:

are packed with Omega 3's which reduce inflammation and are believed to restrict tumor growth. Flaxseeds specifically can be important to women combating breast cancer or looking to reduce their risk of developing breast cancer.

Kale: 

is high in iron, packed with antioxidants, a great detox food and also reduces inflammation.  Kale is listed as one of the top cancer fighting foods.  

Garlic:

helps boost your immune system and also in on the list of cancer fighting foods. Garlic also helps cleanse your liver. Several compounds in garlic may have anti-cancer properties, but compounds of one type in particular—the allyl sulfur compounds—are said to play a major role. These compounds may help the body get rid of cancer-causing chemicals and help cause cancer cells to die naturally. There have also been claims that garlic has immune-boosting properties that may reduce cancer growth and help fight off diseases such as the common cold. These finds are still being studied.

Brussels:

one of the vegetables that fall under the "plant-blased diet" rich in cruciferous vegetables. These vegetables are all important for our health and each have their own substances for warding off many health problems. 

Calling all superheroes!!! JB 4th Birthday weekend

We started off the weekend by meeting grandma and grandpa at the Birmingham Botanical Gardens. It was a beautiful day and we all enjoyed the flowers. You enjoyed feeding the fish of course. We had lunch in the gardens at the cafe there...it was so yummy. I remember you ordered a grilled cheese but had half of grandma's turkey! We followed that by Superman ice cream for the little hero at Mtn. Brk Creamery

Saturday we had lunch @ 5 downtown. It is one of our favorite spots. You love everything there chicken and waffles at brunch and usually eat the burger for lunch. Here is a picture of us with grandma...We left lunch and went straight home to get a few things together for your little birthday gathering with a few friends. 

Here are some pictures below from the party. 

I made capes out of old t-shirts and swords out of pool noodles. You of course had a special super hero t-shirt. The capes didn't last long and yal were pulling them off...good thing they were free =) 

Grandma & Hannah worked hard helping me by hanging these streamers and banner for cute photo ops.

[mommy & jb doing our best HULK SMASH!!!]

I made your cake homemade in a flash. I did a tie day cake batter with super hero colors and cream cheese icing and super man sprinkles. 

Pictures of you boys with your "spider web" aka silly string and also taking a gold cart cruise home from the playground. 

What I did for the table scape on a dime....

 Used starbucks frap glasses and drew hulk faces on them with permanent black marker and filled with green juice. Blue silly string wrapped in red  craft paper and black spider drawn. 
"ZAP" "BANG" "BOOM" phrases drawn on craft paper and cut out. 
I took used card board boxes from recycling and painted them like buildings. Bought super hero confetti, plates and napkins at Party City. 

    I used pool noodles from the Dollar Tree and cut them in half for swords. I took old t-shirts and followed the tutorial on Pinterest for DIY capes out of old t-shirts. I found super hero masks at Walmart. I used all of John Brady's super heroes as decor. I made his own "tie dye" superhero color cake. White cake mix divided in four bowls(red, blue, yellow, green) then poured them in two baking pans. Topped with homemade cream cheese icing with "superman" colored sprinkles. 

Over all I spent very little and the party decor was precious. The kids enjoyed the "swords", capes and silly string. They played on the play ground and ran around with their masks and capes. We ordered pizza to be delivered to make it easy and mostly...had lots of fun! =)

Dear 4 year old John Brady...

Dear John Brady, 

  

You are the big 4. 

Height: 43 inches

Weight: 43 lbs

Hair: blonde

Eyes: blueish/green

Favorite foods: chicken nuggets, cheese dip, guacamole, drumsticks, sausage, all fruit, 

muffins, bacon & donuts. 

Favorite movie(s): Toy Story, Frozen, Tangled, Air Bud, Beethoven, Little Mermaid, 101 Dalmations, Mulan to name a few

Favorite TV: Wild Kratts, The Hulk, Spiderman, Oscar the Lizard

Favorite restaurant: anything mexican

Favorite activities: riding your razor, splashing in puddles, going to your "hideout" with friends, playing with your super heroes, shooting basketball, throwing the ball with anyone, playing outside, and nightly baths and playing "sealions & dolphins" with the wash cloths.

When you grow up: "take care of dogs and throw them balls!"

Your favorite thing about daddy: wrestling and tackling and having him read to you at night

Your favorite thing about mommy: playing with me and throwing the ball and when we sleep together

You are growing up so fast. You love to go to the Zoo and see the sea lions. You enjoy going to the botanical gardens and feeding the fish. You love to get superman ice cream and any time the ice cream truck comes. You still love shoes! You play trucks with your brother and really like to play with your dress up clothes[superhero, workers, football, etc] You enjoy watching Netflix on the iPad for wind down time. Your favorite books are [If you give a Mouse a Cookie, who took the Cookie from the Cookie Jar, Waking Dragons, Superhero comic books, I love you Forever]

You can write your name pretty decent with a little coaching. You like to listen to country music and are very specific about the songs you like. Currently you are liking Luke Bryan's play it again, Sam Hunt's music, Jake Owen's Beachin', to name a few. You recently started sleeping with your light on. You are a wild child sometimes and well most days and by bed time I am worn out!! =) You keep me on my toes and hopping. Some nights I have to remind myself how we started the day to not get frustrated. For example you woke me this morning like this..

"Mama, get up sweet girl. Please get up with me and we can have breakfast together." While you rubbed my arm and head..."Okay mama?" while you are turning on the lights and turning off the fan! =) So sweet you share green tea with me on occasion. I can't believe you like it. You are a really good eater. Yes, all your favorite foods are junk but you actually eat well for the most part. 

You are a good helper in the grocery stores and always sound so grown up when trying to help. You hate bed time...i swear you cry every night. You never want the party to stop... =)

4 years have flown by honestly...I can't believe this time next year you will be getting ready to start kindergarten? As I have shared before...mom told me the days are long but the years are short. So on this birthday when you look back and read this know this...she was right! There are some long days...some days I literally am in tears because you won't listen but on the flip side 30 minutes later I catch you helping Beckett with something or using amazing manners. The years have flown by and they will continue to do so. I will never get these days back with you and you will never understand what all this means until you too are a parent. Please know that all day every day I dedicate not to myself but to you, your brother and your dad and I try to do all those things with a gracious heart and putting God first. I fail daily...I make mistakes, I get frustrated, I cry...but that is such a small part in all the awesomeness!! I try my best...I stay up late to make things perfect for your party, or your school costume, etc. I do it because I enjoy it and because again...I only have a few short years to do these things for you boys. One day way too soon...you will both be gone on your own and I will be itching for something to do. 

I love you - Happy Birthday

Love mom 

New Years @ Lake Nottely

Well, I was kind of sad for 2013 to be over. You may ask yourself why? You experienced such heartache weren't you ready for a new year? 

Well, quite frankly the year itself had nothing to do with it and secondly I was sad about a new year... new year mom was not there...one she did not make it to. So 2014 for me sounded scary because it meant time was pushing on without her. I was stuck still looking around and backwards but the world was spinning around me and time was flying by me already. 

We decided to head to the lake house for a few days to get away and try to again be "normal".

It was Mark, Stacy, Papa[my dad], Hannah, Dora, Drew, the boys and I.

Again sad...because you find yourself feeling so sad we are all together and mom was not there it was such a gap. 

It was very cold and Drew got to do one of his favorite things, not joking, build a fire. It started in the morning and burned til night. We ate ribs, pizza, chicken and more while we were there. Healthy, right? 

We sat around the fire and talked, watched movies and played board games as usual.

I remember spacing in and out staring at the fire letting my mind run rampant. Stacy would catch me and say "you doing okay?" She knew the answer I gave was a lie.."oh yea..me? I'm fine yea" with a half smile. 

She lost both of her parents young...so she knew. 

We had a indoor snowball fights..fake of course but it was actually kind of fun and John Brady loved it. 

We went to the old Cabbage Patch hospital and took walks too. We did the best we could considering. We also opened presents because Christmas was different for all of us this year we held off many presents and opened some there. We watched We are The Millers movie...and to be honest i think it was the first time I actually laughed in a while at some parts. 

Kids...I remember grandpa doing trot trot with you both in his lap. JB, you really have always loved it and Beckett was just learning all about it! =) 

I am not going to bed just yet...words from a friend "You will know your ministry..let Him be with you...let Him!"

So...I was calling it quits for tonight. 10:30...too late for Nashville. Will watch tomorrow when Drew is doing a guy thing with some buddies. Tonight... I am feeling the need to type. You may not be able to tell...my grammar is rough and my sentences are wild..BUT I am an English Major with a creative writing minor. My favorite thing about blogging is I can chunk all that crap out of the window and just chill with some good music and let my mind loose. I was going to stop writing for the night....but  I remembered this...how good is this? TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE!!

My mom had many friends...and I can speak with conviction not one enemy. I was so lucky to call many of her friends my friends too as mom and I were attached at the hip. I could spout of some names of her friends who have reached out to me and the list would bore you...you outstanding women...you know who you are...bringing us food & checking on us...going above and beyond. Thank you! There is one woman in particular that I have to share our words!! 

My mom's best friend, Lynn Maddox ...she calls me to check on me often. She lost her husband a few years ago and knows what grief feels like. She is an amazing example of a woman of faith and I take her words to heart. She has been giving me words of wisdom for years BUT in our most recent conversation I knew these words I needed to jot down. They would be some of the most profound things I have heard and reflected on since December 25th. 

She was speaking so much of my heart I loved hearing it in words I couldn't write it down fast enough. I was crying and grabbed a purple marker and notepad with one sheet of paper left ...how real is this?

 She first mentioned there is nothing like the shadow of death to show you who you really are. Are you on board or not? Do you have faith or not? Do you resent God or do you trust God? She then stated from her experience with loss that you will never be closer to God than when a loved one in lost. Well that is true...for me. Not everyone...experiences like this can define you...Good or bad...us left behind decide how we will let this work in our lives and in those around us. 

She said to me "You will know your ministry. Let him be with you. Let him!" That was two months ago. I did and I have...amazing how things start to work themselves out. I am heartbroken. I miss mom all day. I cry once a day...but as Lynn said " I hear Jesus' voice in all you are saying. I hear you understand."

Honestly...hearing that from someone was the best thing I have heard in my life. A major example of a Godly woman in my life, a 65 year old lady who has a lot of years of experience on me tells me she hears Jesus in my voice? Boy do I have a lot of work to do to uphold that...I fall short all day every day. 

She said you are right where you are supposed to be. YOU THINK YOUR MOM WAS PROUD OF YOU BEFORE?? LOOK AT YOU NOW!!!! 

I hope that is true. I hope each day is first and foremost a tribute to God and that my mom is proud that  I was able to turn a "plagued by a problem and view it as a rich opportunity." An opportunity to "know my ministry and listen to him" as Lynn shared. 

She instructed me her words of wisdom. She prayed in her loss " Lord...here I am. What am I supposed to do?" He told her...."JUST STAY HERE AND LOVE ME" 

She told me she did just that..at the cost of friends and more. 

I believe her...I told Drew that night....here I am...I am on this path. We are in it together...yes? 

THE DEEPER THE SORROW THE BRIGHTER THE SUN!! 

This...is just one of 1,000 conversations with amazing people that have impacted me. I hope they help you in your walk. I hope that you just look at the pictures below and see the rawness of this convo. My kids running around the house...Drew at a hair cut and she calls...I could have ignored it but then I wouldn't have all this to share. For 45 minutes my world became so quiet and still as we prayed together over the phone she spoke to me...I stared at the clouds wondering if mom was smiling and I scribbled this down. 

Mom's Eulogy

I will be honest. I never...never pictured myself writing this... but here it is. For those of you not able to attend the celebration of my mom's life on December 28th, 2013. Here is what I wrote that was read there. 

Janice Corwin Eulogy - Written by Stephanie Corwin Nichols 

Our mother, Janice Corwin, was born into a loving Christian home in Rockmart, Georgia. She the second oldest of five children. Her childhood was filled with all the good things that life is truly about.  Her sister, JoAnn, shared with me days before her passing mom told her "there is not a thing I would change about my childhood, it was perfect." Most of you who know her now may find in surprising she waas a tomboy and was always on her daddy's heels. Her daddy nicknamed her June Bug because she was born in June and always outside with him. The curly headed and blue eyed little girl spent her free time out side in their pristine garden learning from her dad or in the kitchen with her mom learning to cook, can and sew. Her little sister JoAnn remembers playing basketball and picking wild beans with her and pretending they were cooking like their mama. Her older sister Faye remembers her as the protector of their family always the first to stand up for any of her siblings.  Her younger brothers remember her watching over them and following their mothers strict instructions to keep them clean before church, and of course my mom did just so. Over the last few emotionally exhausting days there is a silver lining. I was blessed to hear many stories about mom before I knew her,  all of which I will cling to. JoAnn too shared with me in their high school days they rocked on their front porch and stared up at the stars and mom said to her " I wonder who my soul mate is? Wouldn't it be neat to know how our lives will end up?"

Some years later mom did meet her soulmate and it was truly fate. Our dad was working with an Atlanta law firm and asked by a co-worker to help out in an area of the Fulton Country Courthouse he had never been. That would prove to be the best favor he ever did for a friend. Dad walked in and began to work but noticed behind a desk clear across the room sat the most stricking women he had ever seen. He was determined to get his work done but just could not do so. She noticed him as well and shared with me later  "well I definitely have never seen him in here before…I would have remembered." Dad, speechless for once, worked up the courage to ask mom to lunch. The two of them immediately shared something special. Their love has been such an example in my life always present and abundantly flowing in the house I have grown up in for years. Mom and dad were married for over 30 years and worked side by side in his office for over 17 years. 

Together they raised my brother and I and for that we owe them everything. I remember nothing but good times with mom and dad they always were so free and in love. They always held hands and shared morning and evening kisses. It never got old to my brother or I but instead and example of the love we wanted to and now have in our own families. They were each others number one fans helping each other and working together to leave a legacy we would all be proud of. From their beautiful bond my brother and I learned  and later brought 4 precious grand children into their lives. Mom has been a grandmother for 17 years and witnessed the birth all 4. She was there when they took their first breath and stood by them until she took her last. She hung on until she watched all of them open what would be their last gifts from their nana. She doted over her first grand child like no other and cheered Ashley on at many basketball games and bragged about her success on and off the athletic floor. She read Chandler books, watched him race and even helped him design his own roller coasters. She sewed John Brady's halloween costumes, made ramps for his trucks, took him to feed ducks and geese and of course gave him ice cream sandwiches. Finally, despite the news of her diagnosis she slept in the hospital with me after Beckett was born, rocked him to sleep and did the itsy bitsy spider with him making him laugh so hard he could barely catch his breath. What a wife, mother, nana and she has been. 

In all of our eyes she was super woman. She was a woman of many talents. She had a love for the outdoors and I can only hope I can carry on her green thumb. Her garden was always over flowing with an array of beautiful flowers, herbs and vegetables.  The hours she spent with her mom learning to sew carried on until weeks before her passing patching dads clothes, sewing grand children's halloween costumes or hemming my pants. Our home was always impeccably decorated she had everything placed in a perfectly perfect place but at the same time it was cozy and welcoming. Mom always wanted to entertain and have the ones who meant the most in our home laughing, sharing memories and her good food. She was truly the "hostess with the mostess" be it birthday parties, holiday parties, cheerleading sleepovers, my middle school fashion shows, wedding showers, baby showers…she did it all. All of us sitting here have been to one of those parties and know she didn't just throw it together everything was truly over the top perfection, only because she loved us all and wouldn't have wanted it any other way. 

Somehow she found time to cook a lovely meal every night for her family all while cutting dad's hair for over 30 years and Drew's for the last 11 years. Mom was present every second. You would think a woman who cooked, decorated, cleaned, sewed and gardened must not have had time for her kids? WRONG…it was the exact opposite. She did all of those things with my brother and I and way more, which is why we consider ourselves the lucky ones. Chris remembers mom in the back yard teaching him to throw and catch, "keep your eye on the ball Chris" and how swing a bat. I know mom never missed an event I was in and I remember her teaching me a back walkover so it would be perfect in my upcoming gymnastics meet. Mom not once lost her patience with either of us although we probably gave her many reasons to over the years. Instead she lead by example showing us how to be kind, patient, and giving. Chris and I spoke the other day and share the same fear along with dad…we the fear her of her not picking up the phone on the other end when we call her one day by habit. She was the best listener and slow to criticize. She never spoke ugly of anyone and stuck by the golden rule "If you don't have something nice to say don't say it at all." So simple…so true. She listened to all of us and even some of you sitting in this room and always had just the perfect thing to say. 

Mom loved to travel and see Gods wonders of the world and most recently made her first and last trip to Niagra Falls with dad, something they always wanted to do together. Some of my most vivid memories are watching broadway musicals in New York and finding live mussels in Maine and her teaching me how to clean and cook them. One childhood vacation memory I still laugh about is after dad and I riding Tower of Terror at Disney multiple times in a row somehow convinced mom, who hated rollercoasters, it really wasn't all that bad…WE LOVE IT MOM…come on!!  Of course mom gave it a whirl and I looked over during the ride she was literally green about to pass out and I thought "oh no dad and I are in trouble now.." Needless to say that was the last time she listened to one of dad and I's bright ideas. It was okay that she didn't like coasters because that is still the only thing I can think of we don't share in common. 

Mom loved to dance. After many times asking dad and Drew to dance with us we decided we were okay dancing with each other and liked it that way. While decorating we always rocked around the Christmas tree together…literally, did the pretzel to the calypso band in the bahamas and did the best break down to "She's a brick house" on the beach…so good dad decided to join. One of our most simple but treasured memories is playing cards. Mom, dad, Drew and myself have played thousands of times over the last 11 years. Two days before her passing she even shared with Drew how much fun she had playing cards with us always laughing and being competitive all in good fun and she hated we wouldn't be able to play anymore. Mom loved sitting on her screened porch and listening to the birds chirp. She loved the newness and blossom of a cool spring day and the coziness of a fall afternoon enjoying watching the trees turn many magnificent shades. She carried a purse we all called her Mary Poppins bag. It wasn't huge but somehow she had everything any of us needed. We could be hours down the road headed for vacation and anyone could ask her …"oh no - do you have blank?" It doesn't matter what it was she would pull it out and say "yes of course…mama is always one step ahead. " Mom loved to dress in the latest and has kept us all looking hip. She showered us all with fashion advice and the newest trend so we all felt special knowing she knew best.  Mom loved  Alabama game days and hustle and bustle of Tuscaloosa on a Fall Saturday afternoon. Her tailgate was the cutest and spot all of my friends wanted to be. I can still see her smile and laughter now as she would high five her friends in the stands and shake her pom and with her contagious smile and yelling Roll Tide. 

Most of you all hear call her Janice, we were lucky enough to be able to call her mom. She was more than just my mom she was and still is my very best friend and idol. Even since her passing I feel her by my side more than ever. She told me a few days ago "My God, knows what is the best for me, it may not be what I desire. He made me, I am his, and I will be his faithful servant trusting him to take care of me. I know I will love my new home he is preparing for me." She was so worried about others even two days before her passing. While laying beside her a few days ago I asked if she was resting and wanted me to go…she said "no don't go I was just sitting here praying for you all." Warm tears trickled down my face knowing she has truly strived to be Christ like as long as we have all known her. 

Mom asked for several days preceding her passing is it Christmas yet? Christmas morning came dad leaned over and wished her a Merry Christmas told her what a beautiful cold frosty morning it was and the boys were about to open their presents. I then told her we loved her Merry Christmas and Santa came to see the boys "I wish you could see their joy this morning mom."  Moments later we walked the boys down the stairs and watched their faces survey the presents and walked in her bedroom to fill her in and she was gone. She had a smile on her face and looked so peaceful. We all cried and hugged knowing mom was celebrating like John Brady said " in Jesus' house while watching down on us. We believe she hung on as long as she could but couldn't bear the fact she couldn't see all over her loved ones on Christmas and that once we told her what day is was she let go to become one of God's angels. One of moms dear friends shared this text with me on the day of her passing which I will share with you today "Stephanie, I can't think of a better day to lose a loved one on. That, in my opinion is a tell tell sign that she was always the angel I knew she was. That God has bigger plans for her than we could ever imagine. I hope she sees my son and all her lost loved ones. They say it is a glorious reunion. I know you adored her. You are a spitting image of her and I always admired the relationship the two of you shared. Never have I ever seen a mother and daughter so close." I believe mom is smiling down on all of us and I can find comfort, even in this heartache knowing she is being cared for by the ultimate healer and she no longer has pain. Today I want to celebrate a beautiful life lived and as difficult as it may be try not dwell on the life lost. 

God Took Her to His Loving Home

God saw her getting tired, a cure was not to be. 

He wrapped her in his loving arms and whispered "Come with me"

She suffered much in silence, 

her spirit did not bend. 

She faced her pain with courage, 

until the very end.

She tried so hard to stay with us but her fight was not in vain, 

God took her to His loving home and freed him from the pain. 

"When you are plagued by a persistent problem view it as a rich opportunity"

This is a continued post upon my arrival back to Rome after hospice had been called. 

After altering her meds a little she woke up a little and was able to get up and walk around. I remember her saying "What did those nurses give me? I couldn't even wake up or walk." I said mom...I changed them up a little so we can talk some. She said "well thank gosh!"

Wednesday night....here is what I remember

This was her last really good night!! Chandler, my nephew, was over...other fam was at Ashley's tourney ball game. I gave my mom a pedicure and we watched X-factor. I massaged her leggings and painted her toenails. She would come in and out and tell me how good it felt and ask questions about Revenge. She was still with it..."whatever happened with that girl who got shot?" I remember thinking...what is she talking about...oh Revenge? "YES" she exclaimed...i smiled inside thinking alright we are still good I still have some time. 

The next week...1 week later she would pass. It was all a blur of these following things. I don't remember the order in which they come but it was something like this...sparing some details.

I remember not wanting to talk to her when lots of people were around...one time we were alone and she was sleeping. I laid my head on her chest and was crying a little...most can tell you I held in a lot in front of her. I didn't even know she knew I was there or crying and she spoke out "honey...don't be sad."  I quickly wiped my tears and gathered myself and said " I am not sad mom...just soaking in this moment. I know you are in good hands I am just taking it all in." 

She told me how worried she was about me...I was so young...28. I remember telling her not to worry about me that I had the best mother for 28 years I have got it under control. I will miss you every day all day 8 days a week if that were possible but mom...I learned how to be strong from you. I have kids that rely on me...I will be okay. 

We shared some scary moments where in a confused state she would reach out and grab me...scared "what is happening to me? Am i dying?"

I would share with her we are all here everything is okay

Some of the most cherished words exchanged to me are these...

Drew's mom, my mother in law, made it the last night (23rd) last night she was able to talk good.

My mom, my mother in law and I sat in a triangle and held hands...we cried and laughed. Stacy promised mom she would love me like her own and always be a mom I could rely on. Mom shared with her that Drew was like a son to her she had known Drew for 20 years and we had been a couple for 12 and that mom couldn't be happier about the man I had selected to share my life with. Stacy shared when her sister was passing and nothing tasted good she wanted a coke icee and cheetos. Mom said.."mmm that sounds good" Dad searched high and low for that...mom couldn't even eat it and cried because she felt as if she was running me ragged. I told her I would do this all day every day if I had to...I wasn't tired or burdened. We all three[mom, mother in law & I] held hands and talked about the future without mom around we all cried and vowed many promises to each other. 

December 24th

Reality Check

Christmas Eve 

I came downstairs and dad was trying to wake mom to help her to the bathroom. He had to go to the office for a few hours. He said...I can't get her to wake up. I said I will handle it...he went to her side. He said "honey, I love you I have to go to work I will be right back."

Her final words to him "Yes, you go to work. I love you too."

After many attempts to wake her I just could not.  I was getting nervous. I called Chris and told him to come over I was calling hospice for the catheter she was no longer able to get up. I remember quickly jumping in shower and with wet hair crawling in bed with her. I laid there sobbing and holding her hand...I whispered. "Mom, I will see you again. I will not let you die in vein. I promise you after all you have been through let me assure you. I will die living a life to see you again at the cost of friends, family, everything. I owe it all to you....I will see you soon. I love you."

She mumbled so weakly..her last words to me " I love you too"

Those were the last beautiful words she spoke to me. So simple so perfect. I meant what I said...

Many rough times in the next 24 hours....too many haunting images to share. Things that maybe I can re hash in a future post. Right now...this is hard enough....

For those of you not at her memorial Christmas morning went something like this....

December 25, 2013

We were all up all night meds on and off and she was breathing loud and kind of scared me. I jumped up every time I heard her breath loud. Drew and I spoke to her early that am and I remember saying "Drew you see this stuff a lot..do you think she will make it through today?" He said he wasn't sure but didn't think so. I spent a few minutes kissing her and telling her boys were about to come down for Santa and told her all about it since she couldn't see and that I would be right back.

Dad leaned in and said exactly "Good morning my beautiful bride. Today is a cold frosty day and there is frost all over the field. The boys are about to come down. I love you so much. Merry Christmas honey. I will be right back."

We all left and led the boys down the stairs and I tried to make it normal the kids ran to their presents and about 3 minutes had passed. I said "Drew...go check on mom" He came out immediately and shook his head..."she is gone." I ran in the room...kids tearing open presents and there she lay...still peacefully with a smile. A smile. I got dad...to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. My mom had made the journey and left her temporary earthly body for her permanent heavenly body. She was smiling. I can only imagine the celebration of Heaven on Christmas. I was so sad....but I smiled and looked up at the sky and said...well now you can see Christmas morning...I don't have to tell you. Now you are with the ultimate healer...now you are whole. 

Jesus Calling devotion for that day says "As you wait attentively in My Presence, the Light of the knowledge of my Glory shines upon you." It does...for the first time in my life I saw God and Heaven everywhere...as mentioned before. I believed... I prayed...I went to church but in the blink of an eye in the quickest second...I felt mom all around me. I felt the prayers people were praying I felt comfort...I felt hope. 

1 Corinthians says this
 "³⁵ But someone will ask, “How are the dead raised? With what kind of body will they come?” ³⁶ How foolish! What you sow does not come to life unless it dies. ³⁷ When you sow, you do not plant the body that will be, but just a seed, perhaps of wheat or of something else. ³⁸ But God gives it a body as he has determined, and to each kind of seed he gives its own body. ³⁹ Not all flesh is the same: People have one kind of flesh, animals have another, birds another and fish another. ⁴⁰ There are also heavenly bodies and there are earthly bodies; but the splendor of the heavenly bodies is one kind, and the splendor of the earthly bodies is another. ⁴¹ The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another and the stars another; and star differs from star in splendor.

⁴² So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; ⁴³ it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; ⁴⁴ it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.

If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. ⁴⁵ So it is written: “The first man Adam became a living being”^[f]; the last Adam, a life-giving spirit. ⁴⁶ The spiritual did not come first, but the natural, and after that the spiritual. ⁴⁷ The first man was of the dust of the earth; the second man is of heaven. ⁴⁸ As was the earthly man, so are those who are of the earth; and as is the heavenly man, so also are those who are of heaven. ⁴⁹ And just as we have borne the image of the earthly man, so shall we^[g] bear the image of the heavenly man.

⁵⁰ I declare to you, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. ⁵¹ Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— ⁵² in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. ⁵³ For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality.⁵⁴ When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”^[h]

⁵⁵ 

“Where, O death, is your victory?

    Where, O death, is your sting?”^[i]

⁵⁶ The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. ⁵⁷ But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Turning Point

This is going to be probably the most honest thing I have ever written in my life. I am going to try to write it with enough brevity that people will actually read it but with enough detail to try to bring some of you on my level. 

I like to call posts like this...word vomit...no proofing...no thinking just typing as it comes. I titled this turning point. I am going to be honest. I thought I had a grip on life, I thought I was praying properly, I thought I was spiritual, I thought I was doing all the right things...turns out as a friend of my senior (65) shared with me. You will never be closer to God or Heaven until someone you loved like this is there. I believe it...my life changed. Like I said...I was doing what I thought were all the right things...reading my devotions  in the morning saying my nightly prayers and doing the best I could. 
Turns out in the blink of the eye I realized...that wasn't enough. I was doing a C+ job...."wait what? You do a devotion in the morning? You pray at night...thats a C+ job?" ...
YES it is a C+ at BEST! ...again I call this turning point....this was the start of it but I will tell you it wasn't until I actually spoke my last words with mom...that I knew...this is not enough. Even in this post things are changing but .... I wasn't fully arrived yet...thought I was. Looking back...I was all wrong.

December 16, 2013

8:00 [ I text my mother "how are you?"] I was re packing from Stone Mtn.(previous post) to come home until the end.

Mom's response [ I am up...moving slow. Called doctor...waiting on response. Dad is at work Chris is on way.]

We spoke for a few minutes about my plans to do laundry re pack the kids, load up all their Christmas presents, deal with loose ends here...take JB to school Tuesday am pick him up early and head out the following day.

Later that day...I am on the phone with my friend, Stacey Picardy. My brother beeps in 2-3 times...I told her I had to go something must be wrong. 

Conversation went something like this...."We are at the doctor with mom. There are no more options...there is no more chemo that can help her and her liver is shutting down. She doesn't know yet Steph but she probably won't live til Christmas." Some more words were exchanged...I took a dagger to the heart and kind of in disbelief I said a bunch of okay okay... He said "are you okay?" In tears ...i said "yeah yeah I'm good let me pack quickly." I wasn't okay...I feel to my knees in my living room crying out "NOOOOOOOO" Drew was at work ...Beckett was asleep and yet again JB see's me in tears..."Mommy are you okay? are you upset about Nana again?" .... "Yes honey take these books and go to your room for quiet time for a minute mommy needs a minute." 

How do you deal with this with a 4 year old and your husband at work...well let me tell you...4 years olds aren't dumb. They are pretty intuitive. Needless to say JB didn't leave me alone and it's probably best he did not. He laid with me in my dark closet while i cried and just laid there...he didn't say a word. He knew mommy was upset and for some reason a 4 year old with no clue what was really happening actually comforted me. 

LATER THAT DAY....

3:00 p.m

Hospice had already been called. 

I called my mom our exact words exchanged.

"Hey mom...how are you? How is everything?"

"Well, honey I am just trying to process all of this. Nurses are arriving here at the house. Can I call you back once I get all settled in here at the house. Please don't come tonight. You are upset. Pack and come tomorrow. I am fine."

December 17, 2013

Loaded up the car and headed to Rome, Ga. My car was loaded down I was ready to stay for months with the kids if needed. I had already been there on and off for 4 weeks. I remember calling my friend Tara, what a rock she has been for me in all of this. She answered ... I acted chipper. Somehow I fought through the words and said to her after many words shared "mom probably won't live til Christmas." long silent pause

She was in tears...I remember actually telling her firmly stop crying, don't have a wreck! You have a baby to pick up from school...stop crying and listen to me. She did...

we talked almost my whole ride home. Maybe she can remember what all we shared but to me it was a blur and honestly I am just thanking God that he got my boys and I from point A to point B safely as I wiped tears the whole way...two hands on the wheels trying to focus on getting there safely. 

The next days are so many memories so much to share. I can't even explain what all went down. I could write a book...maybe one day I will. I just know when I pulled in...my brother met me at the car. He made all other visitors go to the basement. He took my children and wanted me to be alone the first time I saw her like this. I was thinking what do you mean see her like this? I just left  36 hours ago....what is wrong? She was bad but I mean she was coherent?

Well....this time she wasn't. I am glad he was watching out for me. I walked in the door...peeked on to the couch and stepped back. I moved into the kitchen and stood there. I pulled my tears back...I stiffened my upper lip and I took myself out of the situation. This was about mom not me...I had to be strong. 

I walked straight up...took her hand and laid my head on her heart. She mumbled to me..." I am glad you are here" That was about as much as I got that day. 

People went over all her meds with me [there were about 15] ... nurses showing me what to do if and when this happens and here is how to keep your mom comfortable...and here is oxygen and here are meds when she is dying and this and that. "do you understand?" 

"ugh, yes....I understand. I can read the numbers...I can tell time. My only issue is how do I do this with my mom? How am I supposed to do this? me? yes...I can physically do it but can I really?" I thought to myself

The answer is yes...I could. Again this wasn't about me. I set myself aside...I cried very little to mom. I didn't want to scare her. After speaking with my husband Drew[best nurse ever] about the meds she was on I felt that she was on too much she was unable to even move and I had just seen her and she was decent. I called hospice and got it approved to alter her meds so we could have some final conversations with her. .....

To be continued