Through the looking glass...

Today marked an important day in my life. Two years ago today, my mom's birthday, she was given her stage 4 terminal diagnosis. I was simply searching the house to wish her a happy birthday on the morning of June 9th, 2012 when I saw her sitting on her front porch with wet hair in a neon yellow dress just rocking in the chair. I felt immediately something was not right. I cracked open the front door and made my way to the porch. Mom had her head in her left and a phone in her right hand and looked up at me with tears in her eyes. I immediately started crying and said "what is wrong?" She proceeded to tell me what her doctor told her, which was a stage 4 diagnosis. Breast cancer which had spread to other locations in the body. I knew it wasn't good but at that moment I told her "everything will be okay. We will get through this and you will be fine. Look how many times we have gotten past this"…and I believed what I was telling her.  I went inside to get my brother and dad…both of which hit their knees while holding her hand on the front porch in their white rocking chairs... which still sit there holding nothing but memories.

I feared this day…TODAY! June 9th of 2014…because mom was basically told that 2 years was it and if she lived past the 2 year mark she would be lucky and could have a real shot to live up to 10 years even. I spent that night reading online the worst….crying to Drew and slept 45 minutes at most dreading this day….well this day has arrived. Matter of fact, this day arrived earlier that I would have liked on December 25th, 2013…the day my mom's journey on Earth was complete. I laid there two years ago today trying to wrap my head around this…what life without my mom would be like…praying…crying and scared. I wasn't ready to lose my mom. I was sad that she was having to fight this and knew she was scared of what was to come. It is amazing to me how fast those two years went by.  I am saddened but at the same time hopeful tonight as I think back over the last 730 days and just how much has changed from that moment. 

Today is mom's birthday…my first time celebrating her birth without her actually here. I told dad this morning that I suppose in Heaven this is just another day because she has a new birthday now…December 25th she began her new and eternal life in Heaven. I still like to celebrate and honor her time with us here. She touched so many people while here and she continues to bless me daily and touch me in ways now that she couldn't even do before. I spent my entire morning and afternoon honoring her and paying tribute to her life…remembering her and doing things that she would have wanted to do. I talked to her and my kids and I even sang in the car…I gazed out windows wishing I could see a special shaped cloud…anything…anything to feel like she was with me today as I thought of her. 

I planned a morning at the Botanical Gardens in Birmingham with my boys. John Brady said "nana will love her party mom!" Dad agreed…she would have. Mom was a green thumb, like her dad, and she loved any time spent outdoors planting, looking at flowers, enjoying nature and especially with family…so we did just so. We walked all over the gardens…enjoyed every little butterfly, lizard, turtle and bird we saw…we talked to nana and even sang her happy birthday while having our picnic lunch. I continued to look up many times throughout the morning and also behind me just hoping…maybe today was the day I could see her again just for a moment. I would walk and feel a breeze or a warm beam of sun on my shoulder and think…"okay mom…I guess that will do"

It wasn't until I stopped for gas on the way home that I had a pretty interesting revelation … doing something so ordinary. I was pumping gas and John Brady put his hand up his window…I reached over and put my hand up to his … matching our hands up and the only thing that was separating our hands was glass. I began to think how I was on the outside of the car looking in watching my kids and had my hand up to the glass like John Brady... but we couldn't feel each others hands. My mind wondered, as always, when I pulled off….I wonder if that is how mom feels. Maybe her view is like a one way mirror. Maybe is it like when I was in gymnastics in my younger years and she stood behind a one way glass…she was indeed watching but I just didn't always know. I like to think so anyway…I like to imagine that Heaven has a sort of one way mirror…those in Heaven can always see us and they are truly not that far away but we just don't know when they are staring right back at us and just how close they might be. 

My devotion last night before bed lead me to Psalm. I left my Bible open to that page during the night last night and when making the bed this morning I couldn't help but see a different verse in Psalm jumping out at me this morning. I stopped making the bed and sat in the floor to read this "For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust. Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. The wind blows and we are gone - as though we had never been here. But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear him." Psalm 103 : 14- 17 

I pondered that a moment and read a few other things and began to think of the legacy each of us leave behind. The wind will blow…for you and for me and like wildflowers we will bloom and die and vanish as though we had never been here…yes, this is true. What is important, I suppose, is the life we live while here…and the legacy we leave behind to those who have known us.  If we entrust faith…then and only then will we begin to attempt to live our lives according to his law. We will fail…daily…we will try again and fail but we are given a promise in Romans in many different verses. 

We are told in chapter 4 verses 13-16 "Clearly, God's promise to give the whole earth to Abraham and his decendants was based not on obedience to God's law, but on a right relationship with God that comes by faith. If God's promise is only for those who obey the law, then faith is not necessary and the promise is pointless…..So the promise is received by faith. It is given as a free gift. And we are all certain to receive it, whether or not we live according to the law of Moses."   

Heaven is all around us. God is standing right behind the one way glass…he sees…we could see if we just look a little harder that he has been right there all along. Like John Brady…you reach out your hand and sometimes you don't feel anything back…but promise is just on the other side of the glass. It is written in Genesis "God said, Let there be a space between the waters, to separate the waters of the heavens from the waters of the earth. And that is what happened. God made this space to separate the waters of earth from the waters of heavens. God called this space sky." Genesis 1: 6-8

Just beyond the horizon seems to far away but it is really all around us…just on the other side of the looking glass…it all depends on how we chose to see things. 

Good Night & Happy Birthday mom! xoxo Love you always

Below are some pictures at the Gardens and how we spent our morning. 

Enjoying their picnic…face I get when I say "Cheese!" My fav beck face!

Enjoying the swing … asking to get pushed high. Not the right kind of swing buddy!

Group selfie… missing daddy! Taking him back for a picnic Wednesday!

My FAVORITE pic of the day…John Brady reaching out to hug Nana after we sang Happy Birthday…yes, I cried!

photographing two busy boys is hard!

Always remember…Mommy loves you! xoxo

Loving on my not so little guy…tear! 

June 9, 2014 - Hoping this is a start of a new birthday tradition for mom!

Psalm 56: 3-4 [Learning to not be afraid]